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- Each take a piece of paper and pen. Individually and without consulting, each write a list of 20 descriptive sentences that define your idea of a great relationship. Write the sentences in a positive way and in present tense, e.g. ‘We resolve our differences calmly and effectively’ rather than ‘We don’t argue’. Think about all aspects of your relationship, including how you relate to each other, your sex life, how you are together, how you parent, how you organise your lives together, how you relate to your friends and family.
- Still working on your own, rate the sentences according to how important that is to you. For aspects of the relationship that are fundamentally essential to you, that you couldn’t do without, rate as 1. Rate the others 2,3,4 or 5 as the least important. Think about this part of the exercise carefully, if you rate everything as equally important you are not leaving yourself much room for negotiation.
- Still working individually, put a star by the sentences that you think will be easy to achieve for you as a couple, or that are already present in your relationship.
- Mark the sentences that you think you will both need to work harder to achieve.
- Now begin to work together by first sharing your lists with each other. Be respectful of the other’s thoughts and values, even if they are different to your own.
- Take another piece of paper. On this sheet you will create your shared relationship vision. Begin by noting down if you have any sentences that broadly match, and are both rated 1. Then go through the other 1’s of each list and negotiate about their inclusion on your joint list. Do the same for each sentence that you each have written down. Each of you may have to let go of aspects that you had on your individual list. Remember to avoid the 2 pitfalls of negotiation: giving in too easily, or pushing too hard for what you want.
- You should end up with a list of positive, present tense sentences in order of importance. Remember to note the ones that you will find easy, and the ones that may be more challenging.
You may want to write out the completed list again as it’s likely to have crossings out and scribbles! This is an important document; it is shared vision of what you both want. If possible, put it somewhere you can both see it.
The purpose of this exercise is for you both to think about how you need to be to achieve the kind of relationship you want, so you can behave with intentionality towards your partner and create a more conscious relationship.
Ref: ‘Getting the Love You Want’ by Harville Hendrix
