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Dialoguing is a technique developed by Harville Hendrix that helps to improve communication, allows each other to be heard and avoids being stuck in conflict. The philosophy that underpins this technique is that promoting understanding of the other’s position improves empathy and closeness. Note that the aim is not to agree to think or feel the same thing, simply that we fully understand and empathise with the other’s point of view. It is highly structured and feels very clunky at first. You’ll learn the basic principles and then you’ll develop a more natural way of doing it. Until then, use the structure to keep yourselves on track.
You are learning to listen, with the aim of understanding. This is different to our usual tactic in arguments, which is normally trying to get the other one to understand what we are saying. In this technique, you are seeking to understand, rather than be understood. Use this technique if either one of you has something that’s bothering you that you wish to discuss.
3 steps:
1: Mirror 2: Validate 3: Empathise
- Request an appointment to talk
e.g.
Person A: “There’s something on my mind, are you free to talk about it?”
Person B: Either “Yes now’s a good time” or “No now’s not a good time, but how about later at XX” (suggested time, not just ‘later’)
It sounds a bit formal asking for an appointment. But often we choose the worst times to discuss something (in bed, rushing out of the door…) and we get a poor outcome. Choosing a time that works for you both is important and avoids the feeling of being ambushed or unprepared.
- Person A: Say how you feel
Ground rules:
Use “I” statements (I feel…..)
No blaming or criticising
Just talk about yourself, what’s happened and how you feel about it
Stick to the facts
Avoid “I feel that you….” (which is really a criticism in disguise)
One topic at a time, don’t allow yourself to bring up other issues
- Person B: step 1: Mirroring
Reflect back what you have heard the person say. You might want to gently stop your partner once they’ve spoken for a couple of minutes, because more than that you might struggle to mirror it back accurately. You are not interpreting, adding on your own thoughts or reading between the lines at this stage, just mirroring what you’ve heard.
E.g.
Person A:
“So what’s been troubling me is that we don’t spend time with each other anymore. I feel neglected….rejected, as if you don’t want to be with me. I see you spending time with your friends and I feel sad that we don’t do fun things like we used to.”
Person B:
“So what I’m hearing you say is you feel sad that we don’t spend time together anymore. You see me go out with my friends and you feel neglected and rejected. Is that right?…..[person A: yes/no]
Is there any more?”
This continues until there’s no more.
Then person B summarises all that’s been said, and checks that s/he’s got it right.
- Step 2: Validating
This step is about communicating that your partner’s feelings and thoughts make sense. Everything makes sense at some level. You don’t need to agree with what your partner has said.
e.g.
“It makes sense that you feel like that, when you’re at home with the kids and I’m out.”
“What you’re saying makes sense because…”
- Step 3: Empathise
Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine yourself in their position, how would you feel?
e.g.
“Given everything you’ve told me, I wonder if you’re also feeling a bit….frightened about our relationship, whether I still love you?”
You can respond and switch roles if you have time and you want to. Same rules apply, it’s not helpful to just refute what your partner has said, you need to talk about how you feel and/or what you think. Don’t let the dialoguing go on longer than about half an hour, make another appointment to talk if you need to.
The purpose of this exercise is to build your ability to hold different positions and perspectives, understanding and respecting both.
Ref: Hendrix, H. (2001) Getting the Love You Want.
