There is a whole therapeutic model dedicated to this, such is its importance. As with self-care, a lack of self-compassion often has deep roots which take time to uncover and resolve. What follows is a bit of information about what it looks like and how to develop it.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion, simply speaking, is a willingness to be kind, accepting and loving towards yourself. Many people have an internal critic: a part of themselves that finds fault, criticises and judges internally. Developing self-compassion can help to counter the internal critic. Many people are much kinder and compassionate to others than they are towards themselves, so sometimes its just allowing yourself to reflect on what you might say to a loved one in your situation.
Here is a great article on self-compassion written by Kristen D Neff, a leading authority on the subject:
For those without the time or the inclination to read the article, here’s a brief summary:
Neff argues that self-esteem has long been the focus in psychology, with therapies and strategies aimed at increasing people’s level of self-esteem. A good level of self-esteem is associated with greater levels of happiness, optimism, while low self-esteem is associated with depression and anxiety. She acknowledges that good self-esteem can be healthy. However, she sees that a high level of self-esteem can be problematic, in that it often involves a ‘one-up’ position in relation to others, and is associated with developing an inflated sense of self-importance. She argues that an increase in narcissism is evidence of that, when people can become angry, over-entitled, and demand respect from others. For Neff, self-compassion offers similar benefits to a healthy sense of self-esteem, but with fewer pitfalls. The three main components of self-compassion according to Neff:
Self-kindness vs self-judgement
Feelings of common humanity (everyone fails) vs isolation (it’s just me that gets it wrong)
Mindfulness (awareness of pain in the moment, but being able to take a meta-perspective) vs over-identification (getting lost in your own pain narrative)
Reference: Neff, K. (2010) Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass 5/1 (2011): pp1–12.
Emma Swales is an experienced, fully qualified counsellor and psychotherapist, working with both individuals and couples in the Yorkshire area, including Otley, Guiseley, Yeadon, Esholt, Burley-in Wharfedale, Askwith, Baildon, Shipley, Bradford, Keighley, Addingham, Skipon, Embsay, Steeton, Silsden and the southern Dales
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